No bribes, no rewards, no punishments, no guilt trips, no shaming.

May it be pooping on the potty or eating broccoli, the less “baggage” we put around daily tasks, the better. Meals and potties don’t need to be overcomplicated with ultimatums and reward systems that frequently backfire. And, the less leverage is involved, the less likely you are to deal with power struggles.

It’s not good, it’s not bad, it just is.

Can you imagine having dinner at a restaurant with your friends and all of a sudden, the manager tells you “everybody out. We are closing”? The outrage! Luckily, we know when the restaurant closes. And once it gets close to time, servers and bartenders usually let us know when the kitchen closes and when “last call” is. Give your child that same consideration.

Because they don’t have any concept of time, children are extremely present- which is their superpower as well as their kryptonite. Consider giving your child a short timer or some other opportunity to disengage from their current activity without blindsiding them.

Like most things, a 2 minute timer won’t save you from all tantrums in the future but the less your child is caught off guard, the better they can disengage from one activity and transition to another.

Remember that when we shout, your child hears your voice before they hear your words. We can totally stick to our boundaries and expectations while still being kind and respectful- we do it all the time with the adults in our lives. And remember, our brains are better equipped to process and retain information when we are in a calm and neutral state- not stressed, panicked, rushed, or in tears.

• “Can you sit on the potty?”

• “Can you come to the table?”

• “Could we try to go to bed now?”

Orrr the super sneaky “okayyy?”

• “I’m going to put you down now okay?”

• “It’s time for me to go to work now okayyy?”

• “It’s time to try the potty okayyyyy?”

Asking for permission gives your child power and autonomy- which is great! But if you ask for permission and your child does not agree, keep in mind that you will have to honor the decision that you asked them to make. If it isn’t really a choice, do not present it as one.

Instead, try prompts or “funneled choices”.

Prompts are statements that are to the point. They may sound like:

• “When we go inside, we need to take off our shoes, wash hands, and then we can have lunch” or

• “This is the last episode. After this show, it is time to take a bath.”

Funneled choices are controlled choices that your child makes that still funnels them towards the same outcome. For example,

• “Do you want to sit on the potty now or after this story?” or

• “It is time to leave the park. Do you want to sit in the stroller or walk home?”

It is so much easier for your child to follow directions on what to do than what not to do. Constantly barking “no” isn’t fun for anyone either.

• “Stop running!”

• “Don’t throw your cars.”

• “Get off that chair.”

Instead, give positive discipline a go.

• “Stop running, please walk.”

• “Cars are not for throwing. Here, throw your ball instead.”

• “This chair is not safe to climb. This chair is for sitting.”

Have you ever called customer service ANYWHERE? What’s the first thing they do after you’ve shared your problem? They repeat it back to you.

• “Sorry your shirt shrunk in the wash.”

• “Sorry your Holiday gift is running late.”

• “Sorry the food you ordered was undercooked.”

Validate first, then offer a solution. Even if you can’t offer the solution your child wants, knowing that you understand what their problem is goes miles in making your child feel understood.

• “I’m sorry you’re sad. I know you want to stay at the park but it is time to go home. We can come back after nap."

• “I know you’re angry because you want your scooter. But the scooter is an outside toy. We can take it out after lunch.”

The brain is made up of many parts- all of which develop at different times. The prefrontal cortex is in charge of logic, long term planning, and reasoning- it doesn’t reach full development until we are in our mid 20’s. The amygdala is in charge of emotional processing and regulation and it also does not reach maturity until our mid 20’s. BUT! It does hit a growth spurt in our pre teen and teen years. (Doesn’t that explain plenty!)

If we wouldn’t expect an infant to run, we can’t expect young children to regulate their emotions or understand long-term planning either. Keep in mind that we are working with an incomplete toolbox and an underdeveloped brain!